× The S.A.F website is intended to provide a warm, friendly atmosphere for our Battlefield Community. We are mainly a Battlefield series related Clan and we run our site as a community as many people enjoy our server and like to participate with us here. ( Rules ) Open for general discussions...

Genius

  • S.A.F I-Robot
  • S.A.F I-Robot's Avatar Topic Author
  • Offline
  • Administrator
  • Administrator
More
7 years 7 months ago - 7 years 7 months ago #9270 by S.A.F I-Robot
S.A.F I-Robot created the topic: Genius
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1) Wrap it in bacon.


I think you guys will like this site, have a good read (I know you will :) )

www.sickipedia.org/

Im Joseph Fritzl, and NO windows was my idea! ... roflmao
Last Edit: 7 years 7 months ago by S.A.F I-Robot.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • S.A.F I-Robot
  • S.A.F I-Robot's Avatar Topic Author
  • Offline
  • Administrator
  • Administrator
More
7 years 7 months ago #9272 by S.A.F I-Robot
S.A.F I-Robot replied the topic: Re: Genius

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • S.A.F TeMorituri
  • S.A.F TeMorituri's Avatar
  • Offline
  • Active Contributor
  • Active Contributor
  • I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer.....
More
7 years 7 months ago - 7 years 7 months ago #9278 by S.A.F TeMorituri
S.A.F TeMorituri replied the topic: Re: Genius
My way of giving a pill -
pick up cat..or dog...by neck ...open mouth..stuff pill into back of mouth

If any part of this method fails - hospitalise animal - give ketamine liberally until animal suffers complete muscle paralysis..then give pill

Works every time for me.....or the animal dies .......dunno what all that shit you wrote about is for Duncan...dogs and cats know me...I am the animalBorg : resistance is futile B)
Last Edit: 7 years 7 months ago by S.A.F TeMorituri.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • S.A.F I-Robot
  • S.A.F I-Robot's Avatar Topic Author
  • Offline
  • Administrator
  • Administrator
More
7 years 7 months ago #9282 by S.A.F I-Robot
S.A.F I-Robot replied the topic: Re: Genius
lol, I thought most animals had an instinctive hatred for vets :)

That was just a joke off the site amused me. I had an ex-girlfriend who loved cats, I HATE the things, wouldnt hurt them but unless you have a need for rodent control I think they are completely pointless domestic animals.

Dogs, not so bad except this one here lol, 15 year old border Collie charades. It goes like this : Dog stands and barks and pushes and shoves trying to herd you, used to whack you with paw if you werent paying attention but now so wobbly he ends up in a heap if he tries it (from a line of proper working dogs, good ones). You have to try to guess what it is (buscuits usually or food in general - hes got big lumps to feed so always hungry).

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • S.A.F I-Robot
  • S.A.F I-Robot's Avatar Topic Author
  • Offline
  • Administrator
  • Administrator
More
7 years 7 months ago #9286 by S.A.F I-Robot
S.A.F I-Robot replied the topic: Re: Genius
How to speak new zealand

Say out loud for full effect!

Milburn - capital of Victoria
Peck - to fill a suitcase
Pissed aside - chemical which kills insects
Pigs - for hanging out washing with
Pump - to act as agent for prostitute
Pug - large animal with a curly tail
Nin tin dough - computer game
Munner stroney - soup
Min - male of the species
Mess Kara - eye makeup
McKennock - person who fixes cars
Mere - Mayor
Leather - foam produced from soap
Lift - departed
Kiri Pecker - famous Australian businessman
Kittle crusps - potato chips
Ken's - Cairns
Jumbo - pet name for someone called Jim
Jungle Bills - Christmas carol
Inner me - enemy
Guess - vapour
Fush - marine creatures
Fitter cheney - type of pasta
Ever cardeau - avocado
Fear hear - blonde
Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen
Ear roebucks - exercise at the gym
Duffy cult - not easy
Amejen - visualise
Day old chuck - very young poultry
Bug hut - popular recording
Bun button - been bitten by insect
Beard - a place to sleep
Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers
Ear new Zulland - an extinct airline
Beers - large savage animals found in U.S. forests
Veerjun - mythical new zealand maiden
One Doze - well known computer program
Brudge - structure spanning a stream
Sex - one less than sivven
Tin - one more than nine
Iggs Ecktly - Precisely
Earplane - large flying machine
Beggage Chucken - place to leave your suitcase at the earport
Sivven Sucks Sivven - large Boeing aircraft
Sivven Four Sivven - larger Boeing aircraft
Cuds - children
Pits - domestic animals
Cuttin - baby cat
Munce - usually served on toast

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
7 years 7 months ago #9288 by S.A.F Masterpetey
S.A.F Masterpetey replied the topic: Re: Genius
HARHAR!
although from my experience the 6-sex thing has been way overdone!
but otherwise, roflol

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • S.A.F majorpous
  • S.A.F majorpous's Avatar
  • Offline
  • Active Contributor
  • Active Contributor
More
7 years 7 months ago #9293 by S.A.F majorpous
S.A.F majorpous replied the topic: Re: Genius
Geez, you must be a bit of a softie. Most vets I know are not so kind as you.. Must be age catching up with you :p

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • S.A.F TeMorituri
  • S.A.F TeMorituri's Avatar
  • Offline
  • Active Contributor
  • Active Contributor
  • I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer.....
More
7 years 7 months ago #9297 by S.A.F TeMorituri
S.A.F TeMorituri replied the topic: Re: Genius
:angry:
Now I know your address MajorP I will drive down and give the herd a few choice injections.....you know how Fonterra gets excited with residues in milk... after they find the hormones I will be injecting it will probably take you a season of explaining before they trust you enough to send out a tanker

That hard enuff for ya ? ;)

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • S.A.F majorpous
  • S.A.F majorpous's Avatar
  • Offline
  • Active Contributor
  • Active Contributor
More
7 years 7 months ago - 7 years 7 months ago #9300 by S.A.F majorpous
S.A.F majorpous replied the topic: Re: Genius
Still a big softie. I am surprised your playing BF and not the Sims ;)

Actually the last time I had a vet he turned up and told me that the heifer looked like a prime candidate for a drive by shooting, and next thing I hear is him shooting her :o

I thought that vets preferred Pentobarb as its far more expensive!

P.S. Bring a vaccination gun and lots of your ethinyloestradiol, just leave enough to complete your transition :D
Last Edit: 7 years 7 months ago by S.A.F majorpous.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • S.A.F TeMorituri
  • S.A.F TeMorituri's Avatar
  • Offline
  • Active Contributor
  • Active Contributor
  • I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer.....
More
7 years 7 months ago #9301 by S.A.F TeMorituri
S.A.F TeMorituri replied the topic: Re: Genius
Theres good eating on one of those things.....after pentobarb its only good for the Maoris

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • S.A.F majorpous
  • S.A.F majorpous's Avatar
  • Offline
  • Active Contributor
  • Active Contributor
More
7 years 7 months ago #9302 by S.A.F majorpous
S.A.F majorpous replied the topic: Re: Genius
Or tigers, apparently.


I don't think she would have made for good eating. There was a reason he was prancing around with a gun.


So I assume you would have been a typical vet and have done your fair share of cannon ball runs, bush fires, and witnessed multiple swamp fires?

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • S.A.F TeMorituri
  • S.A.F TeMorituri's Avatar
  • Offline
  • Active Contributor
  • Active Contributor
  • I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer.....
More
7 years 7 months ago #9305 by S.A.F TeMorituri
S.A.F TeMorituri replied the topic: Re: Genius
Have no idea what you are talking about....but I did do the Foot in Mouth in Carlisle ..other than that I generally just try and kill and eat animals bigger than a Saint bernard

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • S.A.F aBuckenFastard
  • S.A.F aBuckenFastard's Avatar
  • Visitor
  • Visitor
7 years 7 months ago #9306 by S.A.F aBuckenFastard
S.A.F aBuckenFastard replied the topic: Re: Genius
@ I Robot - typical fn pom can't even tell the difference between a kiwi and an aussie accent. after reading ur list they are all austrailian words

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • S.A.F majorpous
  • S.A.F majorpous's Avatar
  • Offline
  • Active Contributor
  • Active Contributor
More
7 years 7 months ago - 7 years 7 months ago #9308 by S.A.F majorpous
S.A.F majorpous replied the topic: Re: Genius
geez, most vets I know I have seen doing a cannonball run... rolled up news paper, naked, clench butt cheeks to hold paper, light paper. run. Simple, but required copious amounts of ethanol fuelling to make this appear to be a good idea.

As long as you don't go doing any F&M in NZ I am happy!
Last Edit: 7 years 7 months ago by S.A.F majorpous.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • S.A.F I-Robot
  • S.A.F I-Robot's Avatar Topic Author
  • Offline
  • Administrator
  • Administrator
More
7 years 7 months ago #9310 by S.A.F I-Robot
S.A.F I-Robot replied the topic: Re: Genius
<strong>S.A.F aBuckenFastard wrote:</strong>

@ I Robot - typical fn pom can't even tell the difference between a kiwi and an aussie accent. after reading ur list they are all austrailian words


lol

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Moderators: S.A.F Masterpetey